Speaking of Gnomes

It's vaguely related story hour!

I began agitating for a yard gnome soon after I moved in with my now-husband, what with having an actual house with an actual yard.  Well, an actual house with a gravel-mulched xeriscaped plot surrounding it.  Not that I dislike xeriscaping -- it can really be lovely, and God knows we can kill plants with the best of them -- but the builder's interpretation of it is sparse at best, and the neighborhood association was so taken with it that it's in the neighborhood covenants (do they keep them in a Neighborhood Ark?) that the front landscaping is not to be densely planted.  For what it's worth, we've gone even sparser by killing our small tree and being scared to replace it lest we kill Tree 2.0.

(Photo from this Telegraph story about gnome discrimination)

Anyway.  Imagine my surprise and delight (and shock and awe!) when my husband came home from Walgreen's bearing two yard gnomes.  He saw them for like $5 each when he was picking up a prescription or something and took the plunge into gnome ownership, because he is awesome.  Then the following conversation ensued:

Me: Yay!  Where do you want to put them?
Him: Well, one's going in the garage.  Which one do you want to put out?
Me: Garage?
Him: Some kid's going to steal our gnome, or break it!  I got a spare!

This gnome-paranoia shouldn't have been a surprise, as he's been muttering dire warnings about how terrible things happen to yard gnomes ever since I first mentioned wanting one.  He takes a dim view of the goodness of mankind.  But, take heart!  It's been over a year, and our gnome is mostly unmolested.  We had to set him upright again after a cat rubbed up against him once, but that's all.  It may be time to bring the second gnome into play.

Ooh, and we totally need this from Toscano next:

You May Take our Yard Signs, but You'll Never Take our Freedom!

Like many people, I feel very strongly about the upcoming election -- so strongly that the awesome boyfriend and I have taken the unprecedented (for us) step of purchasing a modest yard sign for our favored candidate and placing it in the front yard -- or should I say gravel -- right between the one frowsy plant and that other frowsy plant. Actually, when we bought the sign, the campaign office was out of yard brackets, so we first had it taped in the front window, and then after my stint harassing voters door-to-door on Saturday, I obtained a sought-after bracket and stuck it in the yard.

And then, two days later, the sign was gone. Awesome. Way to uphold the values upon which our nation was founded by interfering with free speech. Also, way to cost me another $5 and the minor irritation of voyaging to the campaign office for another yard sign. Douchebags. My very creative friend Cari recommended that I buy 20 new yard signs and spork* the whole yard with them, croquet-course style.

Of course, it is possible that the sign was not removed by some vast right-wing conspiracy, but by A) someone over this whole election thing in general (as a swing state, we enjoy a 24-hour blanket of campaigning via all media channels -- it's only a matter of time before low-flying planes begin dropping informative propaganda pamplets WWII-style), B) bored teenagers, or C) bored 30-year-old married ladies -- one of my coworkers told me that she and a friend recently spent an enjoyable evening switching Democratic and Republican candidates' signs throughout their neighborhood.

In a related note, I am highly entertained by the frequency of radio campaign ads focused on stem cell research -- apparently, this was thought to be a HUGE issue for the upcoming election at some point before our entire economy collapsed. Whoops!

*For those of you not familiar with sporking, it is a time-honored act of minor teen vandalism performed as follows (look for it soon at wikiHow!):
Step 1: Obtain box of sporks from local Taco Bell. If desired, this can be made easier by Step 0: Befriend a disgruntled Taco Bell employee.
Step 2: Silently approach victim's house in dark of night. It is helpful to approach on foot, leaving loud vehicles down the block.
Step 3: Arrange sporks upright throughout victim's front yard in desired pattern.