31 January 2010

Perfect for Gnomes

I made a lovely Estonian lace shawl during my first few months here in Glasgow.  It knit up amazingly quickly -- largely because I knew a total of zero people in town and had no internet at home, so spent all my free time knitting -- and I was epically pleased with it.  Unfortunately, I finished it up to and including knitting and attaching the border before I could no longer delude myself that it was in no way possible it would block out to an appropriate size for an adult, unless that adult desired a knitted neckerchief:

Those are a tape measure and a copy of Charlotte Brontë's Villette, a trade-paperback sized book which incidentally is fantastic, shown for size.  As well as my toes, shown because I couldn't be arsed to crop the photo before I posted this.

The tragic irony is that I actually DID knit a gauge swatch for it, which I often don't do for lace projects like shawls, where blocking can cover a multitude of ills and the specific size isn't all that important.  Too bad there was a misprint in the swatch instructions, as far as I can tell, because there's essentially no correlation between the stitches and size as printed for the swatch and for the finished project.

The good news is that it provided another several evenings' worth of entertainment to rip the whole thing out, then steam and re-wind the yarn.  Now I'm working on a different variation of the pattern.  I enjoy Sisyphean make-work.

23 January 2010

I Shall Call my Show, "The Human Mumbler"

This Fall, I was watching a lot of The Dog Whisperer -- it came on while I was generally eating dinner in an empty flat, is oddly hypnotic, and I like dogs better than reruns of Friends -- and I found that Cesar's Way can be applied to dealing with other humans.  To wit:

1. Project calm, assertive energy, because projecting "doormat" makes people treat you like one; and
2. If all else fails, get people on the ground with a knee on their chest.

You heard it here first.  Feel free to direct book and TV show offers on this philosophy to the comments.

16 January 2010

Christianity: You're Doing it Wrong

"Just like what Nazi Germany did to the Jews, so liberal America is now doing to the evangelical Christians.  It's no different.  It is the same thing.  It is happening all over again.  It is the Democratic Congress, the liberal-based media and the homosexuals who want to destroy the Christians.  Wholesale abuse and discrimination and the worst bigotry directed toward any group in America today.  More terrible than anything suffered by any minority in history."

I'm sorry, what was that you said?  I couldn't hear you; I was busy smashing up Christian-owned businesses and burning churches.

Pat Robertson: Feel free to read up on Nazi Germany, slavery, pogroms, colonialism, reservations, segregation, crusades, tenant-farm clearances, and hate crimes.  And STFU.

While you work on that, I'll be over here, thinking about Pat Benatar in an effort to avoid flying into a knee-jerk berzerker rage upon hearing the word "Pat."

15 January 2010

Uncompelling Mysteries: Pound Foolish Edition

Q: Why doesn't everyone buy nine Christmas Crackers for one pound at the everything-costs-a-pound store?

(Click to Enlarge)

A: Because they saved money in production by only using one riddle.  Also, the tissue-paper crowns (not shown) were toddler-sized.